This Ain't Eds-Kankers, deleted scene
by BarthVader
Summary: The scrapped Plank's version from This Ain't Eds-Kankers: our protagonists are harassed by... a mob of fangirls?


**So, this was supposed to be Plank's version for _This Ain't Eds/Kankers_,but originally I didn't have a good idea for a conclusion. Now that I've got one, and I promised someone a cameo in it, have a finished version.**

**Trigger warning: subtle jabs at fandom.**

The Kankers were sitting on their couch, watching the TV with bored looks on their faces.

"Gosh, this show is retarded." Lee sighed. "We're supposed to believe a villain just did a one-eighty and stopped harassing the good guy."

"How many times did she try to rape him?" Marie pointed at the aforementioned character, who now appeared on the screen. "…for fuck's sake, are they playing board games now?!"

"Why are we even watching it?" May asked.

"The remote's too far."

Suddenly, someone started pounding on the door. After getting volunteered, (read: pushed from the couch by her sisters) the blonde walked to it, unlocked it, and got promptly whacked by it, as the Eds barged in, absolutely terrified.

"Ladies, have mercy and offer some sanctuary!" Edd shrieked, dropping on his knees.

Lee just stared at them with an expressionless face.

"What?"

She moved her fringe away. "I'm raising an eyebrow."

Marie rubbed her chin. "You're escapin' away from something, scared outta your wits…"

The boys nodded.

"…_to our trailer?_"

"Despite all the drawbacks," the slender boy gulped. "it's better than the alternative."

May closed the door. "What the heck is chasin' you, four horsemen of the Apocalypse?"

"It's the hive mind!" Ed shrieked, embracing his friends. "They don't think by themselves, they speak in that creepy monotone, and they are dead inside..." he looked around, waiting for his peers' reaction.

"Well," Lee did her best to not show that the boy's description disturbed her a bit, "we could let you crash on the couch, but what's in it for us?"

"I agree for everything!" Edd tore off his shirt, and before Marie could remark she's content with not being half-naked for once, he tackled her to the ground and started kissing her. The remaining four looked at the scene with various levels of amusement, shock and disgust.

"…I was thinking cleaning the trailer and other housework," the redheaded girl shrugged, "but hey, I won't mind if you throw in something extra."

The slender boy stopped, pulled out a small bottle filled with light blue liquid and handed it to the girl.

"You might find this useful."

"What's this?"

"Mouthwash."

Suddenly, the tall boy sprung up and started frantically searching around.

"They're close." He whispered.

Edd backed away from the front door. May and Marie instinctively moved closer to their older sister, who pulled out her butterfly knife and opened it with a silent click. Eddy raised his guard, despite knowing full well he won't be able to defend himself if something will happen. Ed did the same.

For the next ten prolonged seconds, everyone waited, counting their heartbeats and looking at each other nervously.

"Maybe they don't know we're here." the short boy mouthed. "Maybe they'll go away…"

An axe breaking through the door, Shining-style, quickly put an end to his hopes. Edd and May let out a short shriek, hiding behind their friends and siblings. They all watched, terrified, as the unknown assailant slowly and methodically chopped the door down until nothing but splinters remained. Then, they watched as the crowd slowly poured inside the trailer.

The first thing the Kankers noticed was they all looked like teenage or young adult girls, with a few boys inbetween their ranks. They all were staring blankly into space with their lifeless eyes. Their equally dead faces were distorted in a poor imitation of a smile. They could've sworn they were emitting a silent 'squee' sound.

"Double D." they all muttered, and Edd felt a hundred eyes staring at him.

"Oh God…" Lee mouthed, terrified. "Fangirls."

One of the girls stepped forward. She was a blonde in her early twenties, in a purple shirt, and wearing a squid-shaped hat on her head. She was carrying a fire axe in her hands.

"Surrender him." she said, then realized the crowd behind her parroted her. She rolled her eyes and turned to the crowd. "Now I'm the only one talking, okay?"

"Okay." They replied in unison.

"Good." She turned to the sextet. "Give us Double D."

"No way!" Eddy mustered a bit of courage and stepped forward. "If you want him, you have to get through me first, freaks!"

The smile on the leader's face only widened. "Stop resisting."

"We just want to adore him." someone behind her added.

"And sometimes tie him to a bed and fuck him senseless." one of the males said.

Everyone, the mob included, looked at him with disgust.

"You see what I have to deal with?" the girl frowned, turning to the crowd. "Who said that? You? You, in the black tracksuit! Out, now! ...I don't give a fuck if you're him from a palarer universe, we have some standards, goddammit!"

"Parallel." One of the boys, a long-haired brunette with glasses and a stubble, corrected her.

The berated guy left the trailer. The leader turned back to the Eds and Kankers. "Alright, the creepy act wasn't that funny anyway." she said, in a normal voice. "Hand Double D over, we'll give him back after a few hours..." she looked at the crowd behind her, "...in a reasonably good state, I think."

_Save him. _Marie could've sworn someone was speaking to her, but she couldn't recognize the voice.

"You _think?_" Eddy spat.

"They're a bunch of mindless fangirls, it's hard to control all of 'em."

The bespectacled brunette coughed.

"And fanboys."

_Save him. He's going to be grateful, and fear you less._

_What the fuck? _Marie thought.

_I'm your conscience, silly. _The voice in her head replied._ I was just... on vacation. Now I'm back, go save Double D from that mob led by a girl in an awesome squid hat._

"…so, you hand him over or what?" the leader remarked, and the girl noticed the eerie similarities between her voice and the voice of her newfound conscience.

"Why ain't she breakin' eye contact with Marie?" May piped in.

One blonde girl looked at the other. _Okay, I'll tell the truth. I'm a fangirl. An Eds/Kankers one. I'm trying to create a situation in which you and your sisters can get close to the boys._

_By harassing the Eds with a mob of brainless twats? _The bluenette asked wordlessly.

_It makes more sense than you think. _The squid girl explained. _You see, the easiest way to ship two characters is to bring in a third party that is both sufficiently threatening and laughably pathetic at the same time. Then, the stronger one can step in to save the weaker one, bam, instant romance, hugs, kisses and children in the distant future._

The youngest Kanker raised an eyebrow. "…are you mad?" she said out loud.

"Yes, she is." The brunette boy piped in.

"Enough of this!" the leader commanded. "You have five seconds to give him up before things will get ugly!" _Goddammit, women! _She added, silently, to Marie and May. _Do something!_

"Uh, no way." The bluenette uneasily stepped forward, still unsure what to make of this situation. "I won't let you harm my Oven Mitt."

_Use his name for once! _The boy in glasses somehow managed to bark at her without opening his mouth.

"I mean Edd. Double D. And his buddies." she corrected herself. Cracking her knuckles, she added, more confidently, "Now scram, before I'll show you what happens when you mess with me."

"With us." Lee and May appeared on the sides of her. Eddy took this as a perfect opportunity to back away.

"Dammit!" the squid girl cursed, though a brief smirk appeared on her face. "It appears we must admit defea-"

"NO!" one person from the mob, an androgynous-looking teenager with white hair, jumped forward. "I am not going to leave without my precious Eddward!"

"Or else?" Lee taunted.

The white-haired person pulled out a revolver and cocked it.

"Bollocks." the redhead muttered.

"You've been harassing my cute little Eddward for way too many episodes..." the teenager said, taking aim.

Marie closed her eyes. _Jesus Fucking Christ squared plus alpha with a cherry on top, I'm going to die. _She thought. _I'm gonna die taking a bullet for that cute lil' boy that I've messed with for the past year or so, God, if I can get outta this I promise I'm going to act nice and won't do anything like that again and will finally build May that still and-_

She stopped, as instead of feeling a piece of metal going through her flesh at high speed, she heard multiple silent clicks. She opened her eyes, and noticed the gunman repeatedly pulling the trigger, to no avail.

"What the…" he muttered..

"Oh dear, _someone _had stolen your bullets from that gun." The squid girl KO'd the assailant with a swift trout slap.

"Wha-where did she get that fish?!" Eddy questioned.

"Don't ask." The glassed boy sighed.

"Well, we really should, ahem, initiate tactical withdrawal before they'll kick us out." The fangirl leader ignored the boys' remark.

"…can't we just mob-rush them?" someone asked. "Don't we have a num-"

"Tactical withdrawal!" the girl, assisted by the brunette, pushed out the mob outside. As the crowd was evicted from the trailer, she turned to the six, muttered "Sorry for the door, by the way." and disappeared.

The eldest Kanker crept to what remained of her front door and peeped outside, with her knife still in her hand. The crowd was moving away, dissatisfied.

"Welp, we've survived." She closed and hid the balisong. "Now what?"

With a sleazy grin, Marie turned towards the Eds, who simultaneously gulped, backing away into the corner. "Well, I've got a certain idea-"

_Ahem. I've heard that promise of yours, y'know. Should I bring the mad fangirls back?_

"-em, in return for savin' his sweet ass, Oven M- Double D will help me with building a still for May." Her smile became somewhat more nervous, as she outstretched her hand, helping Edd stand up. "How about that?"

"It's a fair trade, I assume." The boy dusted himself off. "Can I ask for something to cover my body?"

"There's a dressin'-gown somewhere in the bathroom." Lee pointed at the door. "Help yourself."

"You guys want somethin' to drink?" May offered.

**Heads up: ****Given that I've just started my Christmas break, I might be able to spit out something in the next two weeks! Yay! BV out.**


End file.
